Gathering the Light

Posted on December 6, 2014 by conversationeducation

“Every moment of light and dark is a miracle”. Walt Whitman

I love dressing up my house for Christmas. In fact, it may just be my most favorite part of this crazy season. Sure I love seeing people, and finding the perfect gifts and the season of giving and all of that, but there is nothing more creatively satisfying then just being alone in my home and making it merry and bright.

This year I am obsessed with little lights. I have spent more money on lights than anything else…yet. (I haven’t actually even started my shopping yet!) There is something about lighting up every room with twinkling lights that make it feel…dare I say, like sacred space. Lighting up each room combats the shortness of light we get this time of year.

If you have never lived in New England then it is hard to imagine these days, as they grow shorter and shorter. Your every fiber craves sunshine and warmth. Your hibernation switch turns on and you have to make yourself leave your warm cave.

But this year I seem to be better at embracing these dark days and seeing them as an opportunity to create. I find great comfort on my couch next to the sparkling Christmas tree. There is peace here. There is nothing I “have” to do, other than work. The spirit of the empty nest has taken over and I find myself incredibly peaceful in that I don’t have to think about anyone or anything else other than myself. I don’t know if I have ever experienced this before and while I am sure that I must have in my youth, this feels very different. It is liberating and while I love and miss my kids, I am also settling into a space of my own where I am not constantly worrying and trying to fix things as much as I trust them to make their ways in the world. How cool is that?

Trust is something I have been thinking a lot about. There is so little trust in this crazy world it seems. We have to “prove” everything beyond the shadow of a doubt with numbers and statistics. My yoga helps remind me every day of how incredibly simple life could be if only we trusted that things will be the way they are to be. They just are and it is not up to us to try to “fix” everything.

This incessant “fixing” has taken over our schools and in that need to always fix, fix, fix we miss what is working. We miss those faces staring up at us from their desks, little sponges ready and waiting and all we are doing is running around trying to identify their deficits and thus putting out the little lights that are within each of them. It is a dark time in education. I really believe this to be true. It is dark because it is rampant with fear, high stakes and lack of humanity, but perhaps it will be in this time of darkness that greatness will emerge. “Out of darkness comes light…”

Recently I have even heard myself saying that I am not long for this work. This work that I love because of the heavy shadows that seems to hide in every corner, and then I have a class with a group of bright people who give me hope and help me to hang on…

I pulled out of the parking lot and into a glow of gorgeous pinks, oranges and hues of blues. The kind of sky you only wish you could capture in some way, but words and watercolors fall short of the miracle of what it is. And so I savor it as I drive home, breathing in every changing landscape bathed in such a beautiful sunset, trumpeting out this day in a glorious celebration of light dancing with light.

I smile at the sky and at the conversation left behind minutes earlier and wonder how did I get so lucky to do this “work”? Work isn’t even a good word for it because I love it so much. Work implies that it is grueling and hard, but for me it is just a natural flow of who I am, a better extension of myself than I am or ever could be in my ordinary life.

And in this darkness I find light. In my teachers, in their students, in the fact that they want to be there to discuss, to explore, to learn, to converse, to connect, to find support, to be together on a dark afternoon in December to look beyond the darkness and into the light in each other’s eyes. They light up my life.

Light and dark, good and evil, right and wrong. Opposites that are always living side by side. Without one we would not have the other and so in the spirit of the season I choose to see the light, the good and the right knowing their counterparts are right there alongside them allowing us the gift of seeing the grey in between because in the end it is both. It is always both and everything in between. Who or what is the light in your life?

“All is calm, all is bright.”

You got the MOVES! Writing Non-Fiction with Voice, Choice and Clarity in Creativity

Posted on February 11, 2014 by conversationeducation

“Your assignment for today class is to write your state report in the voice of a snowman.”

“ A snowman?” you ask.

“ Yes, a snowman.”

This was simulated out of a conversation I had recently with a 3^rd grade teacher where somewhere along the line someone thought it would be a creative idea to assign all 3rd grade students to write their state research reports in the voice of a snowman. A snowman? Yes. A snowman.

“A snowman?” I asked. Yes, a snowman. What does the voice of a snowman sound like? I wonder, as distant memories of Frosty’s voice pop into my head, “Haaaaaappy Birrrrrthdaaaaaay!!!” What do snowmen have to do with state reports? What if you have the state of Hawaii or Arizona where snowmen do not reside? Would it be a melting voice? A snowman? Yes, a snowman.

And then to top it all off the report was to then be written in the shape of, yes, you guessed it, a snowman. Now call me crazy, but wouldn’t it make more sense to have a state report in the shape of the state the report is on? Or perhaps just simply shapeless unless the writer chooses to make the report in any shape at all?

Wherever this idea came from, one must recognize that its’ intent, I believe, was to allow for creativity in writing these reports. My hunch is that what got in the way of this good intention was inexperience in writing, the writing process and how creativity can be discovered and is easily accessible to all writers through the study of authors and illustrators in ways that make sense for the writer and the purpose of the writing project. So many of us grew up without any writing instruction at all and many feel uncertain about how to teach writing. Most teachers see themselves as readers but very few will identify themselves as writers.

So this 3^rd grade teacher, Ashley and I decided to begin the journey encouraging students to create their own books on the states they were studying. We began this unit of study with an introduction to a non fiction book called, A President from Hawaii where we asked the students to read like writers and envision how they might use some of these techniques, or MOVES in their own writing. I read, did some thinking out loud, but not much before the students began to identify the many moves made by both the writer and the illustrator while Ashley charted their thinking on the white board next to us all.

As usual I found myself marveling at the kids “reading” of this text. Amy recognized that the illustrator used a variety of techniques which included a background image that was either watercolored or collaged and then actual photographs and images were layered on top of that.

Joe saw that the photographs were delicately framed in bamboo, but not on all pages. When we wondered why the illustrator might have made that move Michael wondered, “is the bamboo only shown on those pages where there were natural scenes in the background where bamboo really grows?” And in looking back we identified that it was shown on the images of mountains and beaches, but not on the pages that showed cities.

Shane talked about the bold words. Michael noticed how the information was embedded within the text. I wondered going into the class if this book had enough moves in it, but of course they went deeper than anticipated.

Next, I shared a variety of non-fiction texts and asked them to take some sticky notes and do some noticing with a partner and then come back to the larger group and share one on the moves made by either the author or the illustrator that they might try.

I like this word, move, because it is more accessible to students, teachers and even non-writers. In most professional texts these “moves” are referred to as craft, and the goal is to identify the different”craft” used by an author. I myself I have used the word craft in my teaching but often found it did not resonate with those who were not engaged heavily in the process of writing already. And by all means if “craft” resonates with you and your students then stay with it. Katie Wood Ray’s description of Craft in her book, Wondrous Words is beautiful. I am always seeking alternative ways in for writers.

Photo Credit: craftidea.info

The word, Craft, carries with it a sense of “crafty” in that it is something that is part of an artistic process and that some are better at it than others, or that some have a “gift” for it. Those with that gift are “writers” and those who were not lucky enough to be born with an affinity for “craft” are not writers. Craft can be a loaded word in that it also has an underlying assumption that there is a “right” way to make the craft. (See paper plate snowman) One teacher explained that because she didn’t know what craft was that it automatically distanced her from writing and made her feel even more inferior. She did not see herself as a writer and the idea of craft did not help her to move away from that identity.

The process of identification is a critical one when working with writers. Once someone actually manifests the idea of “I am a writer” then all things begin to change, as they “see” themselves as writers they find the confidence to play a little more, to worry a little less about doing it “right”, and discover the freedom to explore and try on some of the moves of others writers.

Image Credit: http://www.sodahead.com

“Moves” seem to be more available to some. Identifying these moves actually moves writers closer to that place of identification. Anyone can try out a move. In asking students (be they 3rd graders, 33 year-olds or 63 year olds) to try a”craft” is something that some cannot identify with. Trying a move in your writing is like trying a dance move. It takes out that ethereal sense of “writer” and brings it down to earth, making writing available to writers of all shapes and sizes.

When the students regrouped to share their findings, their books were loaded with sticky notes and “moves” they would like to possibly try. Each set of partners shared one move that impressed them the most. The possibilities seemed endless.

So when I returned to that classroom I was eager to find out what had transpired over the week and what I found when I walked in was a very busy writing workshop with paper and scissors and computers and crayons and markers and pencils and busy writers abound. There was a buzz in the room and so I began conferring to find out more.

What I discovered was that the “move” most decided to try was to write their reports in the “voice” of something significant from their chosen state be it the state bird, produce or in the Hawaii report in the voice of the waves. I had to laugh because this project started with the idea of voice and seemed to be ending here as well. The idea of personifying something from their state took on a life of it’s own so much so that the narrator from Alabama, “Fuzzy the Peach” actually “visited” the narrator, the Cactus Wren, state bird of Arizona, on the pages of the Arizona book. So now these kids were learning not only about their states, but about the states their classmates were studying as well. They were collaborating and sharing ideas and admiring each other’s work and ideas during the process, finding an immediate audience with authentic feedback. One gets an idea from another and it snowballs. It was infectious

I also noted how all of the writers were in such different places and stages and that for some, the gift of time to really work on an illustration with incredible depth and detail was appreciated. “I love making this book!” Josh told me. When I asked him why he said that it was fun, relaxing and enjoyable to show his information in a book. I could see from his writing alone that it was not something he excelled at as his letters looked young and his words were far and few in his research, but by focussing on what he loved about his state of California, the sports teams he was creating the most detailed images in the room.

Image Credit: inkygirl.com

I also realize having the eyes of the occasional observer are different eyes than those of the teacher who has a list a mile long of things to get done with her students and that handing that time over, even when we know it is valuable, can feel too long or too free or too unproductive. Fortunately, this young, intuitive teacher, Ashley, understands and sees the value in what each child is doing and how individual the process of each student is. It takes patience. Then it takes more patience. It is not easy for every student and there are always those who struggle, those who seem to be wasting time and those who are not engaged. It takes time and it takes a great leap of faith and trust in ones’ self and the kids themselves.

Finally, I noticed was how sacred the oaktag was to these kids. Some cut theirs into smaller pieces to make more pages, others just talked about how lucky they were to be using such expensive paper and how it was different than any other “paper” because it was so sturdy and perfect for book-making. One girl stroked the smoothness of the tagboard telling me how she just LOVED the feeling of this paper.

All of these things, all of these tools, all of these conversations, all of these moments are part of being a writer, of the writing process of a working Writer’s Workshop. It is messy, it is chaotic, it is time consuming, but it is organized chaos where the voices, choices, creativity and sounds of the writers are front and center and the snowmen, well, they are out where they belong, on the playground.

Divergent, College Apps and Mindset all Rolled into One, or Not

Posted on January 31, 2014 by conversationeducation

We find ourselves in the tortuous waiting period, when college applications are floating amongst the millions, while we sit in waiting for the big envelopes (you hope!) or the small letters to arrive in the mail. Will he or won’t he. What else could we have done to increase his chances in the big world? Will he have the opportunities and choices that he needs to make his life one where he can maintain his passions and earn a living doing what he loves? What if he doesn’t get in? What if he does? What is right for him? Does he even know?

I am currently submerged in the Divergent series, and already this college process seems so similar to the “Choosing Ceremony” in this book where at 16 one must decide his or her fate forever based on what faction he or she chooses. If that 16 year old chooses a faction other than where they were raised then they lose their families forever. It is a life or death kind of decision. There is no going back.

And if I am feeling this way, I can only imagine what all of these kids are feeling. One of Zach’s friends even said to me, “I didn’t realize that my choices as a freshman and sophomore would influence and impact the rest of my life.” Already he spoke of regret and wishing he could do it over and yet when I really pushed him on the subject and asked him if he really would have done it differently he realizes he could not or would not have done so.

And then I realize that I am buying into this whole thing when really I need to change my mindset and believe what I have always believed about kids and education and what matters. Carol Dweck, in her book, Mindset explains,

“For twenty years, my research has shown that the view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life. It can determine whether you become the person you want to be and whether you accomplish the things you value. How does this happen? How can a simple belief have the power to transform your psychology and, as a result, your life?”

“Believing that your qualities are carved in stone — the fixed mindset — creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over. If you have only a certain amount of intelligence, a certain personality, and a certain moral character — well, then you’d better prove that you have a healthy dose of them. It simply wouldn’t do to look or feel deficient in these most basic characteristics.”

She goes on to say,

“I’ve seen so many people with this one consuming goal of proving themselves—in the classroom, in their careers, and in their relationships. Every situation calls for a confirmation of their intelligence, personality, or character. Every situation is evaluated: Will I succeed or fail? Will I look smart or dumb? Will I be accepted or rejected? Will I feel like a winner or a loser? . . .”

But wait, there is another way to see.

“There’s another mindset in which these traits are not simply a hand you’re dealt and have to live with, always trying to convince yourself and others that you have a royal flush when you’re secretly worried it’s a pair of tens. In this mindset, the hand you’re dealt is just the starting point for development. This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts. Although people may differ in every which way — in their initial talents and aptitudes, interests, or temperaments — everyone can change and grow through application and experience.

Do people with this mindset believe that anyone can be anything, that anyone with proper motivation or education can become Einstein or Beethoven? No, but they believe that a person’s true potential is unknown (and unknowable); that it’s impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil, and training.”

“Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better? Why hide deficiencies instead of overcoming them? Why look for friends or partners who will just shore up your self-esteem instead of ones who will also challenge you to grow? And why seek out the tried and true, instead of experiences that will stretch you? The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.’

I love the idea that one can always grow and change and learn more, that “the hand you’re dealt is just the starting point for development” and that what we do with that hand is what matters.

The rub is that our world and the world of applying to college is grounded in a fixed mindset, a black and white world where a person’s only way to “show” who they really are is through numbers, and stats and one essay. It is the ultimate in trying to “prove” that you are worthy of a higher education. It emphasizes what Dweck is arguing against, “Believing that your qualities are carved in stone — the fixed mindset — creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over. If you have only a certain amount of intelligence, a certain personality, and a certain moral character — well, then you’d better prove that you have a healthy dose of them.”

This flies in the face of who Zachary really is, a person of possibility where anything he sets his mind to he will make happen or as Dweck writes, ‘everyone can change and grow through application and experience.’

Those reading my son’s applications cannot see him as he sits and studies how to create the perfect ski ramp considering angles and pitches and speed. They cannot see the constant tinkering her does around his passions and how all consumed he becomes. That he believes anything is possible or as Dweck writes, “they believe that a person’s true potential is unknown (and unknowable); that it’s impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil, and training.”

Nope, the college application is the result of a fixed system where certain numbers are king.

Zachary, 5 years old.

But if I truly believe in what Dweck is trying to say then no matter what happens in this process Zachary will have choices, hands will be dealt and regardless of that hand he can and will grow from it all. And while I believe this does give me some relief, if I am totally honest, I cannot wait for the process to come to an end, to know what is in hand and to move from there.

“I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.” ~ Divergent

Bad Raps: In Poetry, Social Media and Of Course, The Common Core

Posted on January 20, 2014 by conversationeducation

Poetry and Social Media have both had their share of bad raps.

The poetry of our (collective) past was often presented as something that was only available to those chosen few who may or may not find the many levels of hidden meanings tucked in between the lines. Every time I bring poetry to my teachers, there is a group squirm in the room as everyone shifts in their seats and falls back into their past experiences with poetry.

You will find poetry nowhere unless you bring some of it with you.
– Joseph Joubert

Poetry was not available and many hold fast to the belief that it still isn’t. But thanks to modern day poets such as Billy Collins, Mary Oliver and even those of old such as e.e. cummings, poetry can be accessible to all. With a little patience and practice some even come to enjoy poetry.

We just need to shift out of our old habit of thinking we “won’t get it” and realize that what we take from the poem is enough. It may just be the sound of the words or how they are arranged; it may be a line that strikes the soul, or an adverse reaction to an image. Whatever it is, it is for us. Poetry can move people to their own “edges” if you will, asking them to work and think a little bit more and little bit harder, what does that mean?

“Poetry is a deal of joy and pain and wonder, with a dash of the dictionary.” Khalil Gibran

Social Media has also gotten a bad rap, especially when we are having conversations about our youth. And while we might be concerned about the growing evolutionary thumbs of this next generation and their inability to communicate face to face without a device are worthy concerns, there is the upside to this wonderful world of technology.

Credit to http://www.thedrum.com –

One is the meeting of poetry and social media I encountered these past couple of weeks as poetry swept it’s way onto Facebook and flooded my feed with fabulous poets and poetry. The way it worked was simple. Read a poem posted by a friend and if you liked that poem they would send you a poet and you in turn posted a poem by that assigned poet.

I can only wonder how many hits poetry.org and other such sites got this poetry month. It was a treat to go onto Facebook wondering what poem or poet you would see next. It was also interesting to see what new poets might come up. And even if the poem was one I knew, it was nice to be revisited by old favorites. Some even went so far as to research their assigned poet, posting photos and biographical information as well as a poem. There were side conversations about how many poets some knew and how thrilled others were to be introduced to new poets. Others felt “out of their league” but quickly immersed themselves in finding the perfect poem. Some began the process of identification as one who likes and dare I even say might consider writing poetry.

I can’t tell you how many poems I added to my poetry folder for future teaching! There was a crazy wonderful poetry community created through social media with people across the country that never would have been possible without social media. It was, if I may say so myself, pretty damn cool!

And then we come to the Common Core where poetry is not mentioned, named or listed in any categories in the entire document. And while the intent was not to eliminate poetry, that is the interpretation of many. Schools are reading this document as a curriculum even when it clearly states that it is NOT! But the subtle, or not so subtle message underlying the omission of poetry is that what is not listed will not be tested; therefore precious time will not be wasted teaching it. Schools without Shel Silvserstien, Prelutsky, Roald Dahl, A.A. Milne, and Sharon Creech will be very sad places.

While I realize you have all heard me rant and rave on about the CCSS nation wide hold on education, I do not believe I have given it’s history justice and so I direct you here to a link where Diane Ravitch lays out the history of the Common Core and it’s daunting predecessors.

Diane Ravitch

I believe this history gives context to why we are where we are and how incredibly insipid it is. I believe anyone who has any stock in the public educational system needs to read this. I would like to see this article go viral. The more we know the more we can begin to understand what is at stake.

And so I leave you with my assigned poet (by the fabulous Children’s poet, Amy Ludwig VanDerwater, who you must check out at this link) and the words of ee cummings: enjoy, savor and just take it in for what it is, let it linger on your tongue for the sweetness that it is and nothing more or less.

e.e. cummings

E. E. Cummings (1894 – 1962)

I Will Wade Out

i will wade out
till my thighs are steeped in burning flowers
I will take the sun in my mouth
and leap into the ripe air
Alive
with closed eyes
to dash against darkness
in the sleeping curves of my body
Shall enter fingers of smooth mastery
with chasteness of sea-girls
Will i complete the mystery
of my flesh
I will rise
After a thousand years
lipping
flowers
And set my teeth in the silver of the moon

And as the world goes, I read this post to my daughter, Emma and she reminded me that her choir in High School sang this poem as composed by Eric Whitacre. Love the connections! And while we don’t have a recording of her choir, here is a youtube link to another choir singing it. Glorious!

I Will Wade Out

Letting Go: On Permission, Patience, Persistence and Possibilities…

Posted on December 20, 2013 by conversationeducation

Zachary is a senior this year and while I have tried to keep from writing about him, I find myself in the beginning phases of grieving his impending move from home to college. When I asked him if he was ready he simply said, “No, not really, but it will be great.” Zachary is my possibility person. He sees the world as something that is here for him to embrace and engage in every moment he is alive. He truly does live in the moment. My Dad always referred to him as the one who is always “tinkering” with something. In many ways I think he is a lot like my Dad in that his while his grades in school are not stellar, his ideas and his passion for possibility lies deep. It is rare he says he “can’t” do something.

His latest passion is this song, Let Her Go by Passenger (that I now know by heart as I have heard it a million times a day for about 4 weeks now) and so he has decided to learn this song on the piano. He does not, or should I say he has not ever really played the piano. That is Emma’s instrument. But he you tubed it (yes, I do think that is a verb!) and from watching has begun the process of two handing the keys to this tune. I marvel at his persistence, or in this day in educational jargon, his stamina to keep on keeping up with this endeavor. He has the first part down pretty well, and he won’t quit until he reaches the end. I know this because this is how Zachary learns. There is always some kind of creative process that invites him in and then he is all in.

What happens when we slow down and give each learner the permission to learn about and research whatever it is they are interested in? What happens when there is a structure, but the content is filled in by each individual in the group?

So this year I decided to try out some of what I was preaching on my group of teachers in Dover Middle School. I have been working with this group for years and they have one of the best collective senses of humor I have ever known. The group has come together, I believe, even more so because of the writing we have been doing together every time we meet. I am always surprised at what I learn about one of these dedicated teachers through their writing and I love hearing their voices develop and change with each piece they try. They are always willing to read their writing and give feedback to each other. In our conversations about the Common Core State Standards we also question and wonder about where the idea of freedom comes into play in public education.

And so I walked into the first class and said, “I have no class text, I have no syllabus, all I have is a workshop model and ways to guide and facilitate us through the processes of learning of your choosing. What is it that you want to learn about? What are some of the questions you are wondering about that you feel you don’t have the time to discover? There were wide eyes of excitement looking back at me as the possibilities ran across the faces of some and panic across the others. I quickly realized that one of the first beliefs we needed to look at was that of the “right answer” as some asked me, “What is it that you want?” “What exactly are you looking for and what does it look like?” Immediately I saw that although we talked the good talk of freedom, that we as adults are as entrenched in this kind of thinking as our students, seeking that “right” answer. In the words of Socrates, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” And so we have spent a great deal of time examining our attitudes, beliefs and biases. Some of the work we have done together I took on the road as I have told this group that they are my research project as I work beside them and experience the same processes they are experiencing.

I recently presented some of this research at NCTE in Boston with colleagues and friends, Louise Wrobleski and Terry Moher. We engaged in a playful study of “Reading the Visuals and Visualizing the Reading” and along the way we rediscovered the power of the visual everywhere we went. Every day we sent each other new ideas, articles, links and images to spark our thinking. It was exhilarating because we were all engaged in thinking about, reading and researching the same thing at the same time and yet we each came at it from completely different angles. It was these differences that gave form and texture to our presentation as we each defended and wrote up just what it was we intended to do with our 20 minutes of fame while at the same time weaving a common thread among us. It was challenging and exciting.

Ultimately my part in the presentation came from the deep seeded belief that if we want our teachers/students to engage their students then they must first experience the process themselves. Classic Don Graves. When our participants sat down there were pictures of faces staring at them from the middle of the table. They were asked to take one that spoke to them and then to add something to the face. Instantly I could feel a shift of energy in the room and so I asked, “How many of you think you can’t draw?” and almost all of the hands went up. And while I told them not to worry, it was evident that it was a challenge for many as everyone tried to add some kind of body to their chosen face. Here are some images I shared with them from my work with my Dover teachers and many mimicked this same behavior by adding what they “thought” was expected of them, a body.

Then I showed them some images from this wonderful blog, busymockingbird.com where a mother collaborates with her four year old daughter and allows her to put “bodies” onto her faces. Here are some of those images.

And after showing these images suddenly the world of possibilities opens up as each person is granted permission to be playful, to think beyond what they “thought” the expectation was in terms of a “right” answer, even though I said there was no right or wrong way to add to their faces. After sharing these as well as images from Terry Moher’s students work I then asked them to turn over their faces and give it another go. And again the energy shifted and people began to envision, talk and even giggle at what might be, based on what they felt confident about drawing and the images took on completely different shapes and forms. After sketching I asked participants to write either about their process or to bring words and life to the images they had created. Or as one Dover teacher Lisa stated on her second go, I looked at this face and as I was trying to think outside of the box, I thought, boxes, yes, I can draw boxes! And this is what she came up with.

These two images above are of particular interest to me. The first was drawn by an elementary teacher, Pam. The second by Ben a middle school teacher. What I found fascinating was that these were their first drawings. What was it about Pam and Ben’s thinking that they got to where others often only got to on the second go? They both talked about how they couldn’t draw bodies, so they looked at the faces and tried to come up with something that fit the face that they could draw, but that was not a body. Essentially Pam and Ben gave themselves permission to add to the faces in any way they felt would work. They allowed themselves to just let go and were not confined by the idea of what was “right”.

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go.

~ Let Her Go by Passenger

And while these lyrics ring in my head I think about how we all need to let go, if even just a little bit. All of us. I need to let go as a mother and allow my son to make his way in the world, and as teachers we need to let go. Let go of the “one answer society rules” demands of the testing world and open up our hearts and minds to the infinite possibilities that lie within.

Stories and More: A Daughter’s Encyclopedia of Her Dad

Posted on December 9, 2013 by conversationeducation

There are so many ways to tell a story. We just had an intimate celebration of my Dad’s life for those who knew him. It started with cocktail hour and then it was story time. I heard so many stories about my Dad that I had never heard. I loved hearing about his life as a boss, a friend, brother-in-law, Bumpa and of course as a father. In the words of Eben Alexander in his book, Proof of Heaven he writes, “A story–a true story–can heal as much as medicine can.”

So how was I going to talk about Dad in 10 minutes or less and really give a sense of who he was to me? I was thinking about the text, “Days With My Father” which started on line and is now a book, but that did not exactly capture what I was hoping to do as it only reflected the end of his father’s life. I wanted more than that. And then I thought back to the last time I wrote about my Dad, using Wallace Steven’s, “13 Ways of Looking at a Blackbird”. I wrote up 13 Moments with Dad and took it to the service.

I only got through maybe half of them, but then as I went back to the piece I didn’t like it. I envisioned something different and then I remembered the book, The Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life. If you have not read this book then it must go on your list to be read. I scoured my shelves and re-worked the piece again. I am thrilled with the possibilities and so I will share a few of them and they are rough. There are so many that have yet to be written, but this is where I am now and I am still struggling with each subtitle as well as how many to write. Yet another piece of writing that is never done, but is just done enough for now to make my point here on this blog, that writing and thinking takes time and that honoring where our students are in that moment is priceless.

And again, while I realize this is a very personal piece on an educational blog and even somewhat self-indulgent, I have come to realize that living a literate life is very personal and that we need more of these personal connections to allow us to see each other, face to face.

So here we go…

A Daughter’s Encyclopedia of Her Dad

A for Always

“You need to leave the hospital right now, ”Dad’s voice echoed, quiet yet firm. After 13 days of never leaving my leukemia-ridden 3 and a half year old Emma’s side, she was overdosed in one of her surgeries. My Dad was the first to arrive and he was the only one who told me to leave. And so for the first time I left. Dad drove me home to see Zachary and spend one night out of the hospital.

What I have come to realize after his death is that no matter what Dad had my back. I just knew that if I ever needed anything he would have been there and just knowing that keeps you from ever really needing anything at all…

“This too shall pass”, my Dad’s words of wisdom he shared with me when in the throes of Emma’s illness. And eventually it did.

B for Best Friend

My best friend, Krissy stopped by to say goodbye on her way to her new prep school hours away, Northfield, Mount Hermon. As we stood in the driveway sobbing together and lamenting our impending separation she said, “Why don’t you come too?”

And so I went and checked out the school, knowing that we did not have the money for me to go to private school, but interested to see where Dad had also gone when he was younger. (That was a story we all knew too well. How he hitchhiked there 3 times and begged them to accept him and yes, they finally did. “It changed my life,” he would say. ) Did I need my life to be changed?

He walked into my bedroom, pitch black and through the darkness he just said, “If you really want to go to Northfield, we will figure out a way to make it to happen.” And then he left the room.

I did not go. I didn’t need to go. I think I just needed to know I could go.

C for Call

I picked up the phone to hear Dad’s voice. “I haven’t seen you in a while.” And I would tell Dad what I had been up to and he would listen and respond. One day I was telling him the latest woes of parenting and he stopped me and said, “You have raised great kids.” Again I was left silent. The man of few words was speaking… and he was saying something from the heart. “No, I mean it. They are great kids. You have done a really good job with them.”

What he could not see were the tears running down my cheeks as I flipped the bacon and then Mom got on the phone. Per usual at that point he would make his exit and say with sarcastic contempt, “Well I will let you two talk for the next few hours” and he hung up.

And what he needs to know is that he too has raised 3 really great kids.

D for Dancing

I made my Dad do a Father Daughter dance at my wedding. My mother had often lamented at the lack of dancing and nights out on the town with my father. He resisted the idea of that dance, but just like one day when I came home from college and hugged my parents and forced my Dad to hug me back, I forced him to do that dance with me. Not only did he dance, but he even did it with a smile.

But you must know that dancing with my Dad was more like standing in the middle of a floor where there was music playing and making slight shuffles to the right and to the left. Rhythm was not really involved, but even standing there as he held me in dance position, right arm up left on my waist was enough. And Mom, I don’t think you missed much not making those nights out dancing with Dad!

E for Employee

As a new summer employee at my Dad’s newspaper, The New Hampshire Business Review, I was excited to finally be a bigger part of the family business. I envisioned learning the ropes of journalism and seeing what made a company tick. I was assigned to work for my sister under the term “data entry”. Day after day of entering information and categorizing it. God forbid I actually ask a question of my beloved “boss” as she would look at me in disgust and say, “I already told you how to do that!!” Never before had I felt like such a peon in a job. Even waitressing was easier than trying to fit into this very tight system that had been established so many years ago where I quickly realized that being a family member only meant there were higher expectations of you and no family bennies whatsoever. In fact, it began to seem like being family was more of a curse than a blessing…at least at the office!

One day while I was sitting in my Dad’s big black chair and spinning around like I used to when I was little I opened his top drawer to find a pen and instead I found a one and a half inch stack of checks. My gut sank as I looked to see that the check on top was made out to Don Madden. As I flipped through them all the same name appeared over and over and over again. A flipbook of Don Madden checks and the implications that he was paying everyone else made me gasp. His investment in this business ran deeper than I had ever realized.

I finished that summer and never complained again. It was my last time working at the paper.

F for Faces

Hey, do you see the face?” Dad would ask as he pointed at a picture, a painting or even out the window at a tree. Whereupon we would all look and sometimes we might see it and others we would have no idea what he was seeing. He “saw” things that others did not see be it in the visual, looking out the window or into the future political arena.

Since my Dad’s death I have started to “see” faces everywhere!! I am taking an intense course to become a yoga teacher and in that course we are studying anatomy and all through the lessons I see faces. Faces on ovaries, kidneys with eyes staring at me and then the profile of a young man peering out of the liver. Every time I see one I say hello to my Dad and am forever reminded that we must look, look and then look again with an open mind and you never know just what you might “see”.

H for Hugging

Hugging. From that day forward every time I saw my Dad I hugged him. Over time he came to expect it and dare I even say that he might have even leaned in first once or twice himself! He was an interesting hugger, more of a leaner really, but still I didn’t care. Some say huggers are buggers, but eventually they give in and realize that hugging isn’t so bad after all.

I for Indulgence

“Daddy, will you PLEASE do your Donald Duck voice?” we would plead for hours on end and usually the answer was no. To this day is amazes me how few times we actually heard it and it was something that tickled us pinker than pink as we would laugh and laugh. What was it that kept him from wanting to do it more? To indulge his kids just a few more times and yet if you think back, it made it all that much more incredible when he did it. “Less is more,” he would say if he was helping me with my writing. “Less is more”

L for Late

Driving home after curfew one night in the yellow bumblebee I devised a plan to pick up some speed down Page Road and then cut the engine and drift into the driveway with the lights off in hopes that I could “sneak” in and not be discovered. As I turned in, the car slowly moved towards the barn, activating the sensor bathing me in bright light. Damn, I thought as I began to open the car door and realized there was movement all around. As I looked closer I realized I had coasted into a sea of raccoons. Big raccoons, little raccoons, raccoons swarming the car and coming towards me. I slammed the door and began to scream, “Dad!!” “Dad!!” Of course he couldn’t hear me and so I layed on the horn. Eventually Dad appeared in his boxers and shooshed all the raccoons away, saying, “Get outta here ya saps!” As he was getting rid of them I made a dash for the house. He followed me in and said, “You’re late.”

M for Moving

“I am calling to check in with you because we looked at a house in New London and well, I just wanted to be sure that you were okay with that.” I paused in disbelief. Was my Dad actually calling to ask me about their life decision? The silence lingered and he said, “Are you there?” “Yes Dad, I am here.” “Well, you and your mother spend so much time together and well, I just wanted to know what you thought about us making this move.”

“Do what you need to do Dad, and I will be fine.” And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me that our relationship had shifted so dramatically over the years but that I hadn’t even realized it. The older he got the more he said and the more he said the more I listened. I am so glad they lived nearby for 10 years.

S for Swearing

Dad announced as we sat on the lime green carpet during a major heat wave in 1975 that we were going on a family vacation. Lisa, Jamie and I screamed and shouted with joy as visions of Disney rides and beaches and pools danced through our heads he said we needed to pack as we would be leaving at 4 in the morning just to get a good head start.

We woke at 4 filled with Christmas morning anticipation and settled ourselves into the blue paneled station wagon. Lisa and I settled into our makeshift bed in the very back complete with blankets and pillows and Jamie in his own bed in the middle seat with the cooler. Little did we know that we would never get out of the car except for the occasional bathroom break and over 14 days and 4,000 miles later having seen all of Newfoundland and even Labrador. Oh the stories from that trip!

It was the first time I ever heard Dad swear as he got back into the car at a random gas station as Mom was handing us snowballs and candy bars to keep us quiet and we were fighting over them and anything else from being in such a confined space for too long when Dad snapped and yelled, “All you kids do is fight, fart and swear!” I remember thinking…did Dad just say fart?

T for Tomasen

My name. Thank you Dad for making up the most incredible, bestest, most awesome name in the world just for me. Something about having my name always made me feel like I was different. (It also helped that Lisa was actually a tiny bit jealous of it too as I was jealous of most everything she had, especially that incredible cassette recorder she had in Weare, but I digress!) What I love most about my name are all of the stories it has generated. As a man of stories, and as a great storyteller I would imagine you might have thought, what kind of name would bring great stories?

W for Wondering

“I would like to come over, there seems to be something wrong with my computer.” He would arrive, laptop under his arm, and I would pour the coffee as he would begin to describe in detail just what was or was not happening with his laptop. We would sit together and I would map out the steps, write them down and he would thank me profusely for being so patient with him. “We always knew you would be a teacher,” he said. “The hours you would spend in your room with all of those imaginary students, we just knew you would be a teacher.

During one of those visits he told me that he was ok with dying. He talked and talked and told me that I was the “listener”. I didn’t know what to do with that information today as I wonder…years later…if he would have said the same thing on the day he died.

So, as you can see there are many pieces missing, many in process, and just a sampling of an attempt to remember the stories of my Dad.

Jeff Wilhelm in his book on narratives tells a story about a decision-making process one of his kids was making and asked this question, “Which decision will make the best stories?”

My Dad’s life in stories was what he would have hoped for. Of that I am sure. What I am not sure about is how many stories are still out there, untold, about my Dad and about all of those students we work with.

We are only as good as our stories and honoring those should be a part of our daily work with students, whether reading them, writing them and absolutely always celebrating them. Period. I mean, in the end, what else is there really?

Stupid is as Stupid Does: More on The Common Core

Posted on November 19, 2013 by conversationeducation

The other night we stumbled upon the movie Forrest Gump. Man, I forget what a great movie it is on SO many levels. The scene that really made me pause was when Forrest’s mother, played brilliantly by Sally Fields, is at the local public school and the principal holds up a life –sized graph with 3 sections. He points out the top section and says this is Above Average, then to the middle section indicating Average (duh!) and then to a point in the Below Average section stating, this is where Forrest lies. Her response is what I wish all of our responses are to the numbers we use to sum up our youth, our schools, our teachers and beyond. She looks at the Principal like he has lost his mind when he says Forrest will need to attend a special school where she retorts in her perfect southern accent, “Oh for God’s Sake, It is only 5 silly little points, the boy will be going to school here.” And that is the end of the scene. Soon after you see Forrest getting on the big yellow school bus.

Of course as you watch the embedded history lessons and how Forrest had a hand in so much that we never knew the one line that really sticks out is “Stupid is as stupid does.”

And that is where we are in education right now. Stupid is as stupid does. We are so caught up in those graphs and charts and data that we cant even see what is right in front of us. The more I hear the more stupid it all becomes and I think we need to be more like Mrs. Gump and stop giving these tests and everything that surrounds them so much energy and weight. Part of the problem is that there are so many stories, myths and misconceptions around the Common Core that nobody even knows what is going on.

See here to read “Ten Colossal Errors of the Common Core Standards: http://blogs.edweek.org/teachers/living-in-dialogue/2013/11/common_core_standards_ten_colo.html?cmp=SOC-SHR-FB

Did you know there are some schools here in New Hampshire who are saying “NO” to the Common Core? And while they ARE being penalized in terms of funding, losing about $100,000.00 they are looking forward realizing that to implement the tests surrounding the Common Core is going to cost their district over $200,000.00. Why are we so incredibly short sighted when it comes to these top down mandates. What are we so afraid of?

I have said it before and I will say it again, if my kids were starting in public school right now I would get them out! Or in the words of Jenny, “Run Forrest Run!” Run from the shackles of numbers and testing! Our kids are being used as lab rats and caught up in a sea of bureaucratic and political snares that have nothing to do with a better education for each. Our educational system is being bullied into the dregs of privatization where companies can and will dictate what happens in our schools.

Pearson already is! Pearson is an enormous conglomeration that has tentacles that reach into more areas of education than you cannot even imagine. This octopus of a machine has created the tests that children will take that are too hard on many levels. The other day I was sent a link to the Smarter Balance site where I could go in and “take” the test at many different levels. I chose 3^rd grade and went to the LA section. Immediately, I thought of all of the hundreds of 3^rd graders I have worked with and my anxiety level started to rise. The first question is about a Chinese child, Little Lang, who is learning his or her characters. I think of those who don’t have the background knowledge that Chinese characters are letters. This character goes off with his brush…how many 3^rd graders “write” with a brush? And it just goes from there. At the end there were multiple questions to answer and of course lots of places for written responses.

As a highly analytical person I can often see at least 2 very distinct answers that “could” be true or right. And after that question I went on to the second one and then realized this was only 2 out of 50! And that is JUST the Language Arts section.

Here is a link to the test. See for yourself!!

https://sbacpt.tds.airast.org/student/

And once the numbers come out we will see exactly what these tests are designed to do, to create a new narrative of the epic failure of our public school system. But as with every magical story there will be the night in shining armor who will show up in shiny new textbooks wrapped in bubble wrap, a colorful collage of books and workbooks to fix all of your districts woes in one fell swoop. And the publisher will be….yes, you guessed it, Pearson. The one who set up the tests in the first place.

And even more disturbing is that if you are really worried about test performance Pearson has test prep materials ready for sale to get all of your little lemmings in line. In fact one teacher in New York City found one of the exact prep test questions on the “actual” test! The message again? If you want to do well on these tests then you must have Pearson test prep. Do you see the irony here? Do you taste the incredible conflict of interest?

There are many things that have started to rumble around the country that give me hope! One group of parents in New York State sent all of their kids test scores back to the school and the company. Great! But the kids still had to suffer through the tests! Other groups are opting out of these tests and the more we get on board with this the more likely is that we can take back our educational system and begin from the ground up to rebuild it. Top down…stupid is as stupid does.

A link to Fair Test listing the many ways to Opt Out locally and Nationally: http://www.fairtest.org/get-involved/opting-out

And although this video is showing up all over my Facebook feed I am going to link to it here as well because this kid has guts and makes some great points!! Again, he gives me hope. Imagine if more of our students stood up for what they think is right and just and fair.

http://youngcons.com/legit-tennessee-high-school-senior-decimates-common-core/

He is something huh? And as Forrest says “Momma always says life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get.” In this case, if you dig to the bottom of the box you can see quite clearly what we are gonna get, and it tastes nothing like chocolates!!

Teacher Feature with Mark Holt-Shannon on The Common Core: Getting There Quickly

Posted on October 18, 2013 by conversationeducation

In an effort to expand the conversation here on this blog, I would like to introduce “Teacher Feature”, a place where I will post the reflections, thoughts, meanderings, writings and ideas of teachers. In my work I have the privilege of working with so many amazing talented professionals. I get the best of the best. Think about it. They take their own precious time during and at the end of the day to meet with me. They attend classes after school to read, write and discuss their own professional development. They are who you want teaching your child.

This week I feature Mark Holt-Shannon, an 8th grade teacher from Dover Middle School in Dover New Hampshire. When I first walked into Mark’s classroom several years ago there was a palpable energy that was inviting and invigorating. He instructed the kids to get their “nets” (writer’s notebooks where you “catch” ideas) and do some writing about what they had just discussed. There were all the elements of a Writer’s Workshop up and running like a fine tuned machine. And I wanted to stay, be a student and experience what those kids were experiencing.

When I first sat down with Mark I was amazed at just how hard he was on himself as a teacher, constantly questioning and wondering what he could or should be doing better. (A hallmark of brilliance in my book!) There was a sense of something that was missing for him in his teaching as he wondered, was he doing all that he could? He talked about feeling disorganized because he never had his entire week planned out or even months for that matter as others around him did. Sure, he had a sense of the direction he was headed in, but he talked about how that plan changed every day based on the needs, demands and understandings of his students. In short, he is a reflective, responsive and motivating teacher of reading and writing. The kids LOVE him!

Today he talks about how his walks to and from school allow him the time to plan in his head how to pick up where he left off the day before, but again there is a sense that he is doing something “not quite right”. In this piece Mark comments on the current culture in education and what it feels like to be teaching every day with so much other noise going on around him at more than lightning speed with the word “rigor” staring teachers in the face of every turn. You will also see that he himself is a talented writer who writes and enjoys what words can do on the page.

Mark conferring with student at UNH Writer’s Academy 2013

Common Core: getting there quickly

By Mark Holt-Shannon

How often on this trip down the road of guiding students toward becoming better thinkers and perceivers and feelers and citizens, do we get to, or think to, stop and look closely at the map? How often do we pull over in the dark, especially before we get to that point (a crossroads, an exit sign offering choices) where we have to make a decision about the best direction to take? Where we have to push on the overhead light and consider the options, the routes? Scenic or quick? Doesn’t it feel, too often and instead, like we’re just trusting the GPS? She’s telling us to go a particular way, maybe we agree, maybe we don’t. Maybe her directions seem logical, maybe they don’t. But we look at our watches and do the timetable math and just do what she says, hoping for the best. Gotta be there by morning. Gotta be there by morning. Why? Because come morning, we’re dropping them at the bus station so they can start their journey to the train station.

My problem is that I like to look at the map, put my finger on where I am, put my finger on where I am supposed to go, and look in between to see what is there that would be cool to see. What historical markers, what natural or physical beauty, what friends do I know, what cultural experiences, food, music, language, ethnicities exist along the way that we can come in contact with? No, if I am heading north, I don’t want to spend too much time traveling south; though I may need to occasionally. I can agree that we need to keep moving in an agreed upon direction. There is merit and necessity in all of us meeting at a similar place. Why? Shit, good question. I don’t want to sound like too much of a hippie here. Why? So that we can embrace each other. Talk about what we’ve seen and how it affected us. Learn from one another. Discover places we’d like to travel back to some day. Decide maybe if we’re ready to move on, to get on the bus—if that’s what we’re doing.

Rigor is not about having to hold your pee and stay in your seat with your seatbelt fastened and not complain and have no say in the direction. Is it? Rigor is getting out of the car. Not just looking at the world through the window and checking it off the list of markers we’ve passed. Rigor is exposure and reflection. “Look at this, what do you think? How does it compare or contrast to something else we saw?” Rigor is “No, you can’t stay in the car, you have to get out and step in it, speak the language, consider the beauty, consider the poverty, consider your place in it. Try the food, listen to the music, shake the hands of the people. Will you ever come back here? Why? Speak, write, listen, feel, love, read. No, you cannot sleep the entire trip. You have to find a way to be affected by what you are seeing and you have to make that affectation known.” Rigor.

Why are listening to the GPS? She wants me to go the fastest most efficient way. But if I do that, what will I have brought with me? What experiences and lessons and memories and discoveries will I show up with?

Seriously, what “experiences and lessons and memories and discoveries will” our kids show up with if we continue on this path of the GPS and don’t consider the journey of each child?

Thank you Mark!

Learning as a Deeply Personal Experience: On Teaching Readers and Writers

Posted on October 6, 2013 by conversationeducation

The buzz of Mentor Texts has been around for quite a while now and while I like this idea, what I don’t like is that our young writers are often instructed to use a particular mentor text for a given time as assignments. Using a particular structure to do this, instead of exposing them to a variety of ideas and texts and then helping and guiding our students to figure out what would work best for them, the writers.

What would happen if we asked our young writers to first think about what it was they wanted to say, to write about, to read about, to discover and then come up with the best way to express this?

When my daughter was first diagnosed with leukemia I kept a journal and wrote down every single little detail of our experience. It was exhausting to get onto those pages all that I felt I needed to. Her every reaction to every drug, the times she received the doses, the different emotions experienced, missing my 8 month old at home. I quickly fell behind and was angry that I was missing so much of what I thought I needed to get down, in the name of control.

Book of Poetry by Dan Rothermel

And then one day someone brought me this small book called, Sweet Dreams, Robyn written by Dan Rothermel. It is a collection of poems he wrote about his daughter with cancer. This book transformed my writing life. Suddenly, I had the permission and allowed myself to write in poetry finding it easier to get down all that I wanted to without getting muddled in all of the pros it took. In the words of my Dad, “less is more” in writing.

With the death of my father I had this same experience as I was meandering through the blog world I found a blog that just spoke to me. She writes a fictional piece about the death of her mother and says,

“It came together when I was working on a blog post about Wallace Stevens one of my favorite poets. His “13 Ways of Looking at a Blackbird” was on my mind while I was reading Paul Harding’s Tinkers.”

Her mentor Wallace Stevens gave her what she needed to capture what she wanted to write in fiction and I instantly knew that this too would be the perfect way for me to capture and process my father dying. Snippets of strong images that I needed to get down on paper and so her blog became my mentor text. It was more than perfect.

You can find her blog at http://deborahbrasket.wordpress.com/

So here is my version, based on the ideas I stole from her that she stole from Wallace Stevens.

13 Ways of Looking at Death Just Before, During and After

I called him on the phone, his voice weak and wavering as his hand fought to keep the phone still. “Hey Dad, how are you feeling?”

“Bad. This is Bad. What I have is really bad.” I cringe, as I know he knows it is bad. Sepsis. Blood infection on top of pneumonia not to mention his COPD, heart disease and diabetes…

He has never said it was bad before. He always said, “It is getting better.

It is bad.

His oxygen cord lies on the dirty floor as it takes her a moment to realize there are no lines crossing his face, lines of plastic jewelry tubes that have become as permanent as his glasses. He is not getting any air.

And she wonders…just how long has he been without oxygen?

She calls the nurse and insists he gets a new one. Nurse never responds to the absence of his air or how long he has been without it.

Idiots.

III

She is alone with him, Red Sox images flashing in the dark room, sound blaring while she simultaneously plays Candy Crush. He wakes, peers over and says, ”You are still here? I really appreciate that.”

I smile.

And we go on like that for hours.

The Sox won.

Won the AL East Title. He is not aware.

She hoped it was a good sign.

She is always looking for signs.

Today is a good day. He is out of bed, sitting up in the hospital chair as she enters. He starts talking, “You know I sat up all night trying to remember the kids names.”

She thinks it must be all of the grandkids that he is forgetting…he continues…

“I know I have 3 kids. 2 daughters and a son.”

“Yes that is right” she replies, as he looks up at her and says, “The first daughter is Lisa.”

“Yes Dad, Lisa is your first daughter.”

“Then there is another one, you, what is your name?”

Her 10-year-old self emerges and screams inside, YOU named me Dad!! Don’t you remember? I have the coolest name in the world because YOU made it up.

That’s enough of this name game.

We gotta get him the hell out of this hospital.

Me, My Dad and Lisa

My once virile father sits perched on the kitchen island pursing for air. How did he get in the house so quickly? My brother in law carried him in, like a baby in his arms, but he was amazed at just how heavy he really was, all filled up with 9 days of hospital IV fluids so he had to stop to rest.

We still laugh at the absurdity of my Dad sitting with his feet swinging on the kitchen counter. Who says you don’t go backwards?

He then carries him the next leg into the bed where he will remain until he dies.

Each breath is a struggle and you can tell it actually hurts. Never mind when he coughs. He just wants to feel better, but he doesn’t really as he tries to negotiate in his head that he is now home and how he thought being home would make him feel better…but he doesn’t. Now what? You can see it coursing across his forehead like the GMA banner in Times Square. Now what? Now what? Now what?

VII

Doctor came to the house. Yes, in 2013 a Doctor actually came to meet the needs of his patient. There is a God. (See previous post on Systems)

Dad chose hospice. Visions of nurses, social workers and support at our side danced her head as she wondered…does he really know what he is choosing?

She is sent up to the Local Colonial Pharmacy to get the “hospice kit”. A box filled with drugs and lots of other things medical that you don’t want to know about never mind even think about using.

She is the chosen one to give her father his first dose of comfort packaged in a needless syringe to be administered orally. Flashbacks of shoving chemo filled syringes disguised in chocolate pudding to her 3 and a half-year-old smack her in the face.

Click…she re-enters that mode and just does what she has to do. She has been here before and she just does it. Nurse Ratched is back in the house.

VIII

My brother arrives a few minutes after giving my Dad the morphine.

The pill that he was begging for.

The morphine that I was afraid of.

The morphine that came without the nurses and the social workers and the volunteers to help us through this process.

Where in the hell were those hospice people she had heard so many wonderful stories about?

All they got was hospice in a box that had to be refrigerated.

It was just My Mom and I with my Dad yelling at us, “Will you just give it to me for God’s sake, I don’t care if it is the wrong dose.”

He begged for relief as we became more and more agitated and unsteady in the moment, dropping syringes, reading and rereading the prescription and even calling the pharmacist.

And finally I just gave it to him as he gasped for air and I suddenly realized we too had been as negligent as the hospital.

His oxygen tank had run out. No wonder he was desperate for something. How many ways are there to torture a man?

And they left the room when her brother arrived.

Jamie and Dad

Morphine overdose. Her brother horrified that we left him alone with a his father who was fine and talking with him one minute and then was suddenly hallucinating and trying to get out of bed. His strength mammoth as my mother got in bed behind him to restrain him. He could not walk on those big boats of feet filled with fluid.

I call the VNA. I reach out for those hospice people who were supposed to be there and tell him we need help ASAP!!!!!

He responds that giving morphine is an “art” and not that you gave him too much but that if he had been there he would have started with a lower dose. After telling her this for the 4^th time she wants to reach out and punch him through the phone…then why the HELL would you hand it over to an amateur?

He arrives at the house and starts talking about the “art” of dosing morphine again!!! She sees red and runs from him to avoid physically clobbering him.

Next Time…I give him ¼ of the recommended dose.

Thank you, Honorary Dr. Brother James. It says you can give it every 30 minutes. One quarter of a dose lasted him 12 hours.

Insanity.

He lays in bed and sleeps, or so it seems, soundly for days on end.

The question dancing through the house…”when will it happen?”

The family has their own form of hospice in a “Come to Jesus” kind of scene from a bad Lifetime Movie. We all give him permission to go, hands on, tears flying. Sister Lisa actually seems to be cheering him up to the pearly gates. Everybody says their peace and then we all continue to sit with big red puffy eyes, exhausted and we wait.

He doesn’t go.

When will he go?

He doesn’t go.

From the background Cousin Anne tells us, “He isn’t going to go right now, it doesn’t happen like that.” And snaps us out of our delusions that we can will him to go in that moment.

The sleepless nights wear on as brother and sister get up at different times to peek in to see my mother sleeping next to my yes, still breathing, father.

Exhaustion settles into the house and takes a seat on the couch alongside us.

Maybe he is not going anywhere. Maybe he will live forever.

Meals are delivered. They are all amazed at how they just show up and are so thankful because eating and food have not been on their radar.

Dad has not really eaten or had anything to drink for over 12 days.

Unless you count 4 little bird bites here and there. I fed him his last scrambled egg from Lisa’s chickens a couple days ago. No solid food since eating 5 bites of that egg. No water. Nothing.

How does the human body beat on? Especially one we all thought was so fragile?

His Hands don’t even look like his anymore they are so filled up with fluid, boxers hands.

Every moment stretches on as you wonder…when will his last breath be? Who will be with him? She wonders all of these things as she crawls into bed with him and rubs his back and quietly cries for her Daddy while the Red Sox blare on the radio from the bedside table next to us.

“How can something so natural be so unnatural?” son James wonders.

XII

She wakes at 8. Walks downstairs past her sleeping brother and sees her mother making the bed around her father’s still body. His breathing has changed. It is short. Very short. She says, get the morphine.

I know I must give him him the rest of the syringe…the same dose I administered 5 days earlier…it was what he needed. He was hardly breathing.

Mom is on his right. She is on his left.

He opens his eyes for the first time since the morphine began. The biggest widest eyes you have ever seen and he looked over at my Mom and she said, “Look at those big beautiful brown eyes. I love those eyes. They have not been that open in years. I wonder why none of you got those eyes? I am the dominant one.”

“I always wished I had gotten those brown eyes I respond as his eyes then slowly trail to find me on the left. He stares right at me for a moment and then it is as if he is looking to something beyond me. He holds that gaze for what seems like forever before he moves his sights straight ahead and opens them even wider. He was seeing the light. He liked it. He felt peaceful as he took one long deep breath and closed his eyes.

“Is that it?” Mom and I looked at each other. It seemed to be. No pulse.

And then out of nowhere one last little breath just to mess with us as we laughed.

Dad died.

8:15 am on Sunday, September 29^th, 2013.

It was beautiful.

Dad and Mom taking flight on Chappy

XIII

She misses him. They all miss him. She is not sure what to do so she talks about him. She remembers him. She reads. She writes about him. She laughs at his Donald Duck impression stored away on her computer. She shuffles through years of pictures and marvels at how great he looked for so long regardless of his health issues. She thanks her Mom for keeping him so healthy for so long. She misses him. Every day.

He was a great man.

He had 9 lives.

He lived every one of them fully.

He was her Dad.

I love this piece because for me it captures all that I want to remember and all that was there during this incredibly intense, scary, weird time. I feel better after reading about others experiences and then writing my own.

What would have happened had I been in a student in class and I was asked to write a recipe or a persuasive essay from one character in my assigned book to another when all I could think about was my Dad? Do we consider the lives of our writers, where they are and what they have to say and what they are interested in reading about?

I would argue that right now we teach the writing and not the writers. We teach the reading and not the readers. We think about checking things off. Persuasive Essay, check, Informational Reading, check, Memoir, check, Close Reading, Check.

What would happen if we trusted and guided readers and writers to know, to figure out what it was they wanted to know more about, what they wanted to say and then focused on helping them discover the best way or ways to read about it and say it? If we gave them the time to read others and think to themselves, “Hey, I could write something like that!”

Reading and Writing are my “go to’s” when I am trying to figure something out, process emotions, inform, wonder, preach, question, express, persuade, create, think, communicate, get lost and so many other things. What if the goal of every reading and writing curriculum was to help our readers and writers see reading and writing as a “go to” and not just a series of assignments to be completed, but tools for life?

And while this all may seem incredibly personal for a blog on education, I believe I am finally finding my stride in that a real and true education is deeply personal.

And I wonder…are we afraid of this authenticity? These truths?

And even as I consider posting this, putting it out into the world, I question myself. Do we want to hear or read these truths? Why do I put it out there? And while I know none of these answers I only know that I will…

Follow the link below to read my Dad’s obituary beautifully written by my sister, Lisa.

http://www.chadwickfuneralservice.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=2263261&fh_id=12966

Honoring Space and Time

Posted on August 19, 2013 by conversationeducation

I walked out on the back deck this morning and to my horrors of horrors there were leaves strewn about. The first leaves fallen, physical evidence that slowly but surely the seasons are and will be changing. And with that change I hear all of my teacher friends talk about going into their classrooms with excitement and anticipation at the prospect of a new year. How will they set up their classrooms this year? What kinds of “areas” can be created in this space where they will live with their students over this next year?

Photo Credit: catchingreaders.com

This time of year seems to get earlier and earlier every year though. It used to be that none of this was even contemplated until the official “end” of summer, Labor Day. But no more. College students are out shopping everywhere you go. Sons and daughters with Mothers seeking out that perfect comforter and wall hangings to create their own sense of space, the home away from home. My son, a senior, just out the door for his official soccer tryouts. And yet…it is ONLY August 19^th! Much too early!

Space matters. I find myself wanting to nest in my own home as I wake each morning with the urge to move furniture around and make things a new. I stop myself though, reminding myself that it IS still summer and that my summer arrangements must stay as long as possible for it is, after all, our shortest season of all.

Photo Credit: http://www.photoinpixel.com

And this summer I found myself not writing at all. This blog was unintentionally left to have it’s own summer vacation and that gets me thinking about what I need as a writer and one of the major things I need is space. And while that may seem incredibly obvious, with 2 kids in the house it is quite difficult to come by. And while I realize I could create the space and time and get up really early with the birds and get to my keyboard, the truth is that when I am up early I am out tending my gardens. You see there is so little weather here in New Hampshire that is conducive to early mornings outside. My routine is to water my plants and survey each garden to see what has happened over night. And things do happen.

Photo Credit: reelswellblog.com

I tried roses this year though. They are tough little buggers and as soon as we got them into the ground they up and died. Not really, but they looked as though they were dead. And so I left them. I pruned them here and there, gave them food and water and just waited. Not until yesterday did I start to see 2 tiny roses on one of the plants. Why now? I wondered? Perhaps they just needed time to adjust to the new soil. Perhaps the food finally kicked in. Perhaps they got just the right amount of sunshine and water for a few days in a row. Who knows! Maybe all they needed was a bit of space.

My roses FINALLY bloom on one bush!!

How often do we hold these spaces for our students? Our teachers? Spaces where they can be who they are, take the time that they need and figure out how to write or grow or bloom on their own? We talked a lot about this “holding of space” in my summer course (last entry!) on Passion, Purpose and Play: Creating Real Readers and Writers. EVERY day during our 2 weeks together these students, made up of teachers and interns had the time and space they needed to do their work. We devoted the last chunk of our day to “workshop”. Time where students could choose what it was they wanted to work on and how. They could choose to read or write anything they wanted. It might be reading for the next day in class, a novel or magazine they were interested in, or the writing they were working on. They could go to the library, go outside to read and write. They could confer in their triads, in partners or with me. They could write in notebooks, on their laptops or even on the floor if they so chose! They could choose to use this time to express themselves artistically with watercolors and other art supplies provided.

Christian and Lexe during Workshop Time, Summer 2013

I loved this time every day as it gave me time to sit with individuals and confer on their processes on what was working and what was not. IF the work, the homework, is so important, then why don’t we ever provide the time and space for that work to begin to happen in class? It seems so obvious and yet on my evaluations there was a resounding appreciation for that time given. Respect. That is what happened. There was a great respect for the work when there was a place for that work to happen. Many left each afternoon with clearly defined goals on where they wanted to take their reading and writing that night.

Maria reading Poetry, Summer 2013

And while the cliché of students blooming has been used ad naseum, I am going to bring this back around to those damned roses. The ones that refused to just blossom. The ones, that given the time and space eventually did bloom! Next to it though, is the other rose. You know the one. The one that no matter what you do, it just stays the same. No buds, no roses, no sign of color. The scrawny little plant next to the blooming phlox that are going to bloom and shine no matter what I do or don’t do. But it is there….and nothing I did changed that plant for the better. In fact it looks much worse than when we brought it home. When first planted it it had gorgeous pale yellow and pink roses and now it simply stands alone, no flowers, no color. Lifeless. And yet it is not. And so I will wait and be patient and hope and try some new things and hope and wait that perhaps one day…maybe even next summer that it will again yield a beautiful bloom or two, but you just never know.

Sad little rosebush..no buds!

And that is the imprecision of teaching and learning in a nutshell. We can do all we can and still there may be those roses that will never bloom, at least not while you are around. And that is ok. Maybe it is not their time. Maybe what is happening on the inside is more important than the product. It is not always what we “see” that matters in the long haul.

And so we begin a new year…and I do so love the feeling of new beginnings. It is what makes me a true New Englander. As much as I hate the seasons I need the seasons. So little leaves on the back deck, I welcome you, but not entirely as I sweep you off and honor the space of summer as long as I can!

Conversation Education

Talking through what it means to lead a literate life and beyond.

Tag Archives: Motivation

Gathering the Light

You got the MOVES! Writing Non-Fiction with Voice, Choice and Clarity in Creativity

Divergent, College Apps and Mindset all Rolled into One, or Not

Letting Go: On Permission, Patience, Persistence and Possibilities…

Stories and More: A Daughter’s Encyclopedia of Her Dad

Stupid is as Stupid Does: More on The Common Core

Teacher Feature with Mark Holt-Shannon on The Common Core: Getting There Quickly

Learning as a Deeply Personal Experience: On Teaching Readers and Writers

Honoring Space and Time

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